Motto, Mantra, Manifesto
This will be of interest to about 5 of you, but I wanted to spew some thoughts out and put them somewhere I can come across them quite easily, as a reminder that I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here.
So, indulge me…and if you don’t feel like reading, no skin off my nose.
The last 6 months have been trying. Wait, it’s been longer than that. The last year has been difficult…no, further back. But let’s just deal with the last 6 months.
I had about one good week of the new year before it all fell apart. The relationship I was seemingly (yes, a qualifier) in ended, and I’ve been adrift ever since. I’ve gone round after round of the grieving process - sadness, denial, anger, acceptance, then back around again…like an unbalanced washing machine, lumbering around in circles, not making any progress.
And I was about to start through the cycle again this week. Monday I was primed to head back into my spiral of depression for another spin on the tilt-a-whirl, when a funny thing happened.
It just stopped.
I can’t even tell you what stopped it, but it was like one day I’m sad, next day, I’m not. I had put out a call to people on twitter to tell me one thing I should do toward making myself happier this week, and the responses were helpful, certainly heartwarming that anyone cared. And maybe that was all I needed. Maybe I just needed someone to say, ‘hey, I CARE.’ Of course, people are always telling me they care, but I had stopped hearing it. Rather, I kept waiting to hear it from one person, never did, and so it was like I was deaf to anyone else saying it.
Until Monday. Monday I finally heard it, and I realized that as much as I’d like to hear it from one particular person, the time to move on was long past. It’s interesting though, I know why I hadn’t moved on.
Because I was ready. Ready for a relationship, a real one, one I thought would potentially go the distance. And then it didn’t happen. In the past, I may have mourned a relationship failing, but it wasn’t because I was actually ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I’ve always bounced back fairly well, knowing that I wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship with someone. I couldn’t bounce back this time, because for possibly the first time in my life I didn’t want to. I wanted to believe that because I was finally ready to find someone to spend my life with, that this was the relationship that was going to manifest that.
I was wrong. Who knows, maybe he is “Mr. Right,” but it is clear to both of us that right now, today, we can’t be together. And I have to let go of the hope that someday we can. Now that I’m finally able to look over the edge of the cliff I’ve been standing on for 6 months, I realize I don’t really want to fall off it. I have to crawl back to the edge, pull myself up, even with my complete lack of upper body strength, and start walking away. I love this cliff. I’d build a house on it and stay forever, but the cliff can’t love me back.
I have gone about ten new kinds of insane the last 6 months over all of this, but I think I’m finally ready to forgive myself for hanging on so tightly. At least now I know why I was holding on, and as they say, knowing is half the battle.
So, it’s time. Now that I know what I want, I can stop fighting that and embrace it. I want to be with somebody, preferably for the long haul. I’ve got a lot of work to do to get myself ready to actually be with someone - a lot of maintenance I haven’t done because the thought of going back “out there” and trying again was terrifying in the extreme. Today I don’t want to be terrified anymore. I want to get my hair cut, go to the gym, start thinking positive thoughts…and get happy, for myself and for the hypothetical someone out there who will appreciate what it took to be ready.
To him: I understand now, and I’m sorry for the added pressure I’ve caused you these last few months. It was never my intention to cause you worry, pain or embarrassment. I hope we can rebuild to a strong friendship, but I won’t push you like I have these last couple of months. It’ll happen when it happens, if it happens.
So, here we go. Onward and upward.
